update/psa

Been awhile... Ups and downs, and all is well. Radio show went well; REALLY looking forward to the big show this weekend: the 20th anniversary of the band's first club gig--an acoustic and an electric set at the now-posh club where they first played back then. Looks like we'll be recording the show with multiple tracks, so there'll be a high-quality recording of the event. And my whole family, along with most of my friends, will be in attendance. It even falls on my birthday! This is a significant event for me. Plus (and most important, really), everything is clicking with the music; it feels really together. Can't beat that.

The internet went away today, along with cable--not that I tend to watch TV during the day. I do dink around quite a bit online, however, and as I have been feeling a bit sensitive, this served as an interesting invitation to just dive in and feel, to show up rather than zoning out, as I would have preferred. In this case "showing up" meant reading, and watching a movie about Leonard Cohen. But G was out, working on his laptop from a restaurant with wifi, and somehow just this small break in my routine was all I needed to get cracked open.

I'm reading, among other things, a book kindly sent to me by an internet friend, an autobiographical work by a psychic. There are many ways to experience and practice that aspect of things, I imagine, and I am very very careful to maintain a certain detachment from others' accounts as much as possible, but certain bits of any other intuitive's story--the most spiritual elements--cut straight through to my absolute core no matter what kind of guarded I'm attempting to be. I got lanced thusly a couple of times this afternoon. But it's a good kind of (open, bleeding) wound.

And Leonard Cohen just kills me, too. I remember as a child of perhaps eleven or twelve, hearing his song "Suzanne" on one of my mother's Roberta Flack albums and being utterly arrested by the weight and depth of the words. This, I knew, was no ordinary pop song. In fact, hearing this song might have been the first time I considered Jesus in tangible, immediate, truly spiritual terms. I guess the nuns from my brief CCD [Catholic bible school] experiences did not exactly impart the sweet sadness of spirituality, and certainly not that of Jesus himself. Those teachings felt a bit more like a rat in a cage learning not to push the electrified lever. These words felt so very vast, yet so attentive and subtle:

And Jesus was a sailor when he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching from his lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain only drowning men could see him
He said, "all men will be sailors, then, until the sea shall free them"
But he himself was broken long before the sky would open
Forsaken, almost human, he sank beneath your wisdom like a stone

Yikes. Roberta Flack had changed sailors to brothers in that line with the quotation--a very seventies dilution--but even thusly adulterated the verse packed a serious wallop. My prepubescent mind reeled, and found a big piece of itself. I didn't understand it, exactly--and I still don't know if I do, or if I even agree with the theology--but I could feel and comprehend these words in a part of myself that was deeper than meaning or theology. And that's how I continue to experience much of Leonard Cohen's work. I don't know if I always agree with the guy's perspective, but the man is paying attention, and my spirit is still utterly seized by his art. And soothed. He sees so much darkness, but he seems to find beauty and light, and hope, everywhere.

And she shows you where to look, among the garbage and the flowers
There are heroes in the seaweed; there are children in the morning
They are leaning out for love, and they will lean that way forever
While Suzanne holds the mirror

I recommend the 2005 tribute concert/documentary film "I'm Your Man," by the way. Look out for Teddy Thompson's heartbreaking "Tonight Will Be Fine." I had a crying jag so intense I frightened the cats after replaying it a few times when the film was over. The song could not be more simple melodically or harmonically, but here its beauty is just transcendent. This guy's singing, and of course the words--the WORDS!--got right in there are jangled my everlovin' guts. It's interesting to me that it's ostensibly about a romantic relationship. I tend to get so bloody BORED by songs about those. But this reminds me of reading James Joyce, in a way. The characters and scenes are on many levels very common and quotidian. Most of us, most of our lives, on their faces, are! Yet in one day in Dublin, or in one love, is contained all the wonder and pain of all the world.

On to the PSA. I have discovered that a very serviceable chocolate sauce can be made by mixing a cocoa powder ("baker's" cocoa) and sugar with a little hot water. I think my proportions of cocoa to sugar are about 3 or 4 to 1 (but I like it super chocolatey and not very sweet). I stir it with a whisk to get out the lumps. You could pour this over ice cream and it would taste a bit like Hershey's Syrup, only better--and it has only three ingredients, one of which is water, and all of which tend to be around in case of chocolate emergency. LOVE IT! I personally just scoop a chocolate or strawberry whipped yogurt into the chocolate sauce bowl, and top it off with crushed granola bars. A healthy sundae! A nutritious one, anyway. And quite yummy. This makes me so happy, I do it every other day or so. Grinny face.

live radio show

Go here to listen to a live set by the band I'm playing with--the acoustic side of things--this Monday, April 16th, from 11:23 am - noon, est.

On the fence? Here are some quotes from reviews of their last acoustic record (the creation of which I of course had nothing to do with), cherry-picked by the label that released it:

"revitalize these songs of love and death with passion, taste and talent"
-ALL THINGS CONSIDERED

"unusual and refreshing"- CMJ

"unpretentious...winning and warm"- SING OUT

"Incredible!"- TimeOUT (London)

"most exhilarating....fiercely performed" - Hartford Courant

"There's no affected lack of sophistication or fawning respect in the music. The band members just play, and they don't hold back"- Chapel Hill News

"exquisite and ominous" - Columbus Dispatch

"Those harmonies are scandalous" - Dwight Diller

"tastefully heavy" - Chicago Tribune

"ploughing a unique furrow" - FolkRoots (London)

"You may have been on the planet Mars for the past few years, but there are few other bands to match the potential and scope of [this band]...Absolutely fabulous. THE band to catch"- First Hearing (Manchester England)

-ROLLING STONE

- PULSE

I like "exquisite and ominous."

Another show has been scheduled, and more are in the works. So glad this project continues, at least for another couple of months. It's been good for me.

Speaking of kicking ass and taking names, G's company may not have massive funding yet, but he has kept his mind on the work--on doing his absolute best with what is in front of him--and he is consequently on fire. He came home from a meeting yesterday a changed man. To him, it was just another meeting, which happened to go well, but I could tell that the consistent, subtle changes he's been making energetically as he approaches his work, his attitudes and inner landscape, had quietly resulted in a tectonic shift from which I do believe there can be no return. He exuded an irresistible, matter-of-fact confidence. He spoke about his business so articulately, with such focused animation, that I was utterly drawn up into his observations. This stuff could be a bit dry in other hands, I imagine. But my man? Genius! So smart, so funny, so powerful. He seems happier and more comfortably confident all the time.

So I'd better go! I have work to do if I'm going to keep up with him. Yay.

onward

Another m/c. This one is more like a late period--about six days late--but still. Bleah. Talk about detachment practice--G and I were just taking it a day at a time, and I can tell, now that we're at square one again, that we weren't just pretending. We're disappointed but really okay. We once again only feel closer to the finish line, somehow.

In other not good news, G's car died suddenly. Only two weeks after putting $659 worth of work into it, the engine ran into other, more serious problems which would have required a larger investment to repair than the car was worth. We got $500 for it as a trade-in. *sigh* On the plus side, we found something else we liked right away within the narrow range that was both finance-able and affordable for us. And we got a great rate from our credit union, which we double extra pink heart love now.

At least my voice is (mostly) back. It got so bad for so long, I began to wonder. I'm still taking it easy and saving it for band practice, since it's still not quite a hundred percent, but it seems clear that it will be soon enough. Just in time--the acoustic incarnation of the band is scheduled for a thirty-five minute live broadcast on a regional public radio station in a week and a half. Fun!

That project continues to go very well generally. My contributions are well-received, and I keep hearing from the founding members about how easy it all is these days. It really does seem as though things come together virtually effortlessly. I'm sure it helps that I knew the songs well as a fan. But I'm adding new harmonies and instrumental parts, and they seem to fit nicely and to add something. It all just flows. It feels great, actually. And that's something.

So, my challenge today is to keep my momentum going. I've really ramped up the self-care lately, especially since learning I was pregnant a few days ago. I recently conducted a small ritual, actually, inviting healthy new habits and routines. I also invited pregnancy, of course. And I realized when I saw that longed-for second pink line the other day that I'd received all three: Pregnancy instantly summoned the Will I needed to correct my days' work more fully. That motivator may be gone again for now, but the Will is still palpably present, and I know now much more immediately what it feels like to summon and rely upon it. So I can keep this going--the yoga, the prayer and meditation, the revitalized ACIM practice, the produce and the exercise. The happy clean slate with others; the lighter energy. It's like a cool breeze has been cleansing every corner of my life. Why not keep letting it fly? Leave these windows open...

And it occurred to me that G and I might have had a much harder time with the inconvenience and financial stress of major car problems if they had happened during any other three days this year. Yesterday, we were still untouchable. It's a small blessing under the circumstances, but significant. I'll take it as more evidence of God's perfect timing, and move on in confidence.