inspiration
Well, that felt good. The last post, I mean, which I spent something like four hours writing last night. Of course, this morning I woke up with some new ideas. That's what happens when I yell help, I guess--inspiration. Mostly, I can see how I'm finding tricky ways to essentially judge people, even as I see past all the meaningless ego stuff. This pattern is old and there are understandable reasons for it, but--regardless of what people around me think or do--if this all breaks down to is me feeling persecuted, then I have answered my own question, and I know how I'm colluding in the proceedings. And I know why nervousness makes it worse: To expect persecution and misunderstanding from others, no matter how many times it may have happened in the past, must be to participate in the perpetuation of that experience.
A Course In Miracles makes very clear that there are two types of forgiveness, and only one is at all helpful. If we're regarding other people or ourselves as having done something bad, which carries "real" consequences, but we sort of magnanimously decide that we will find it in our hearts and blah, blah blah--that accomplishes nothing but to underscore the unhelpful and incorrect view that we are not God's perfect children, but rather that sin is real. It's contradictory. That kind of forgiveness is more like a form of hate than Love. Real forgiveness, on the other hand, looks past all error as unreal. I believe this firmly, and I do apply it. However, if I'm allowing myself to also remain so concerned with how to function socially, i.e. on superficial/ego terms, then that must just be the ego wanting to reclaim its bogus control.
So screw it! I'll stop worrying. People will think what they think of me. If I let go of all these fears that they're going to see me wrong and I won't know what to do, I bet the odds of things going smoothly will go up sharply. Just from the absence of fear! I may be crippling myself and creating these self-fulfilling nightmares, fanning the flames rather than pouring cool water. I have wasted a lot of energy worrying about my social challenges. But it hasn't just been wasteful--it's been counterproductive. Wouldn't it make sense that if I feel chronically wounded that I might give off a defensive vibe? What effect must that have? And what's the friggin' point? I know this crap has never touched the real me or had any detrimental effects at all. And on the level of experience in the world, if anything, it has taught me more and more about Love and real forgiveness.
I may be becoming increasingly eccentric. I just don't see things like most people I meet. But do I trust that my spiritual path is right, or don't I? Do I trust God and Guidance, or not? As I have pursued this learning, I've become afraid to be too different! On the level of fear, I have fashioned my spiritual progress into yet another reason I'm likely to be "attacked"--I have feared that others will get uncomfortable and take my personal detachment, well, personally. As a judgment on them. And that has happened, perhaps proving once again that we make our own experience in this world, and that we always get whatever it is we're asking for. Well, I don't want to be a monk. Actually, part of me would love to be a monk, but I have made different choices. Anyway. I'd love to find more kindred spirits with whom to share my life's experiences, and I hope I can finally realize my goal of bringing only peace and light to everyone I touch. I hope as well that I can find more ease. But my inspiration this morning is that I need to let go, and leave it all to God to heal. Settle much more deeply into what I know to be true about me and about others. Release my fears and my projections of the past onto the future, show up for the moment, and trust. It can sound like a daunting proposition until I remember that I really don't have to do anything for this healing. It's much more about stopping doing, and staying out of Love's way. Whether or not I see it, I am always held up by much more powerful forces than my own wits.
I'm remembering something from a recent ACIM lesson, which is particularly timely considering my recent bout of laryngitis: Let me remember all I do not know, and let my voice be still, remembering. But let me not forget Your Love and care, keeping Your promise to Your Son in my awareness always.
That's not to say that letting go and trusting God more fully will immediately stop all unpleasant interactions from happening with other people. But it will certainly heal my sense of brokenness, and make it possible for me to find a new way to function. It may not remove all worldly discomfort, but--I do believe --it will bring peace. I feel better already.
Coincidentally, I finished the ACIM Workbook for the second time yesterday, having struggled and staggered my way through the last section. Actually, I skipped the final five lessons because I know I'm not up for them. I've gotten so much out of whatever effort I've been willing to make, but I have simply not been able to learn to meditate the way the Course prescribes. Though I experienced many unspeakably beautiful moments of prayer, I never accomplished prolonged mental focus, and I continued to forget all too often to pray/meditate hourly and to turn immediately to Truth in all challenging moments. So I started at the beginning again today. I want peace. I can find more willingness to open to it. To bring it.
A Course In Miracles makes very clear that there are two types of forgiveness, and only one is at all helpful. If we're regarding other people or ourselves as having done something bad, which carries "real" consequences, but we sort of magnanimously decide that we will find it in our hearts and blah, blah blah--that accomplishes nothing but to underscore the unhelpful and incorrect view that we are not God's perfect children, but rather that sin is real. It's contradictory. That kind of forgiveness is more like a form of hate than Love. Real forgiveness, on the other hand, looks past all error as unreal. I believe this firmly, and I do apply it. However, if I'm allowing myself to also remain so concerned with how to function socially, i.e. on superficial/ego terms, then that must just be the ego wanting to reclaim its bogus control.
So screw it! I'll stop worrying. People will think what they think of me. If I let go of all these fears that they're going to see me wrong and I won't know what to do, I bet the odds of things going smoothly will go up sharply. Just from the absence of fear! I may be crippling myself and creating these self-fulfilling nightmares, fanning the flames rather than pouring cool water. I have wasted a lot of energy worrying about my social challenges. But it hasn't just been wasteful--it's been counterproductive. Wouldn't it make sense that if I feel chronically wounded that I might give off a defensive vibe? What effect must that have? And what's the friggin' point? I know this crap has never touched the real me or had any detrimental effects at all. And on the level of experience in the world, if anything, it has taught me more and more about Love and real forgiveness.
I may be becoming increasingly eccentric. I just don't see things like most people I meet. But do I trust that my spiritual path is right, or don't I? Do I trust God and Guidance, or not? As I have pursued this learning, I've become afraid to be too different! On the level of fear, I have fashioned my spiritual progress into yet another reason I'm likely to be "attacked"--I have feared that others will get uncomfortable and take my personal detachment, well, personally. As a judgment on them. And that has happened, perhaps proving once again that we make our own experience in this world, and that we always get whatever it is we're asking for. Well, I don't want to be a monk. Actually, part of me would love to be a monk, but I have made different choices. Anyway. I'd love to find more kindred spirits with whom to share my life's experiences, and I hope I can finally realize my goal of bringing only peace and light to everyone I touch. I hope as well that I can find more ease. But my inspiration this morning is that I need to let go, and leave it all to God to heal. Settle much more deeply into what I know to be true about me and about others. Release my fears and my projections of the past onto the future, show up for the moment, and trust. It can sound like a daunting proposition until I remember that I really don't have to do anything for this healing. It's much more about stopping doing, and staying out of Love's way. Whether or not I see it, I am always held up by much more powerful forces than my own wits.
I'm remembering something from a recent ACIM lesson, which is particularly timely considering my recent bout of laryngitis: Let me remember all I do not know, and let my voice be still, remembering. But let me not forget Your Love and care, keeping Your promise to Your Son in my awareness always.
That's not to say that letting go and trusting God more fully will immediately stop all unpleasant interactions from happening with other people. But it will certainly heal my sense of brokenness, and make it possible for me to find a new way to function. It may not remove all worldly discomfort, but--I do believe --it will bring peace. I feel better already.
Coincidentally, I finished the ACIM Workbook for the second time yesterday, having struggled and staggered my way through the last section. Actually, I skipped the final five lessons because I know I'm not up for them. I've gotten so much out of whatever effort I've been willing to make, but I have simply not been able to learn to meditate the way the Course prescribes. Though I experienced many unspeakably beautiful moments of prayer, I never accomplished prolonged mental focus, and I continued to forget all too often to pray/meditate hourly and to turn immediately to Truth in all challenging moments. So I started at the beginning again today. I want peace. I can find more willingness to open to it. To bring it.
posted by eliza | 8:38 AM
1 Comments:
I had no idea (until your previous post's mention....and if I did, I've forgotten it...but then that's often the case lately with all that I'm trying to remember!) that you're working with ACIM. I haven't read the material or studied it, but was made aware of it initially in the late 70's. (My mother gave me some books years ago, but I sold them at my Portland yard sale when I moved to the tropics.) I read through both this and your previous post, and the only 'suggestion' I would have offered is already in this post: "finding tricky ways..." When I first found myself in A.A. and read in the "Big Book" about "righteous indignation," I'm not sure I saw the screamingly-loud neon light bulb that was blinking over my head. ;) But with time I began to see that in my drunken rages I often (most often) sought out situations that would 'allow me' (in my own twisted logic) to unleash on poor, unsuspecting souls. Does that mean that the offending parties did nothing to deserve my wrath? Of course not. But given just the tiniest window of opportunity (an incompetent or poorly trained service worker, for example), I saw a huge chasm that was just crying out for a barrage of my ammunition. In your previous post, I was taken by your plea of wondering--after forgiveness--what to DO. I'm sure I've spent many a sleepless night wondering what to DO. But in my quieter moments--when my ego will stop screaming for a moment--I realize that there's nothing for me to do...that doing and being can feel like polar opposites...and sometimes (for ME) I just need to BE forgiveness...to let go of the need to DO.
As for becoming a monk...sometimes hermit-hood sounds VERY appealing. ;)
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