another day, another kickass rock show

Well, okay, it was in the dining hall at a local institution of higher learning, and the audience consisted of a few friends, a couple of parental units, a couple of band children, and a decent-sized gaggle of privileged hippies bobbing and swirling about like rapturous lunatics. But, yes, it kicked ass. I do love this rock'n'roll thang.

I am happy. I love my life today. Sure, it'll be swell when G's company has a Major Funding Event, and hoo boy, I do hope I'm pregnant soon. But yesterday I got up, baked some brownies, wrote pages, worked out, put on mascara, packed up the snacks and the rock acoutrements, and then spent the rest of the day hanging out and making music with my witty, warm husband and my favorite friggin' band. As if that all isn't cool enough, after the show I was told how sexy I looked on stage no fewer than ten times.

"You own the stage," one friend said. "You look like you were born for this." Well, I don't know about that, but being really large and often sort of dramatic-looking, I think I just feel comfortable up there. You're supposed to be larger-than-life on a stage. You're expected to be dramatic. No one's going to give me that who-does-she-think-she-is vibe. And I assure you: if anything, I'm toning it down during shows. In real life, I have a lot of nervous energy. I talk a lot, I laugh a lot, and I'm always jangling into people and walls and large objects with my unwieldy limbs. On stage, I leave the talking to the lead dude, I concentrate on what I'm doing, and I don't move much. I gather it all in and direct it.

Maybe that's the life lesson of this experience. It's so hard to embody myself day to day. I'm forever trying to blow through my energy, to expel it so it can't hurt or threaten anybody. Maybe it's time I learned to just ground myself, to breathe, to gather it all in and focus. I know how to do that in many situations, but it's easy to get overwhelmed and forget it all when there are more than a couple of other people about. Well! Perhaps my dream of poise may be attainable after all. If I can manage it on stage, then I must know how it's done.

Poise! The final frontier. As with everything else, it sounds like more than I care to try to handle on my own. But if I stick close to God I'll be okay. Speaking of Which... Starting around the new year, the Voice began whispering, "Be sexy." Oh for crap's sake, I thought. That sounds like trouble. But I always do my best to follow directions from that Source, even, and perhaps especially, if I don't see where they might be leading me. So I've been dutifully wearing my nice things and popping in my contact lenses when I go out. I've been remembering to moisturize and forgoing the hat/glasses/baggy pants/big sweater look. And now, well, now I think I'm beginning to see where I'm being led. And it's not so scary.