'fessin' up
It's a very good thing I have an exciting music project in my life right now; that's making it much easier to remain patient while waiting for pregnancy and motherhood. It has occured to me, and also to a very smart friend, that one of the reasons for the delay in that department, speaking in big-picture terms, may be that I would not have been able to participate in this opportunity if I were hugely pregnant or giving birth around now. If my last pregnancy went to term, there'd have been no electric guitar-learning, no rocking out, no dream-band dream-come-true for mommy. That stuff may not be as big as parenthood, but this experience is causing seismic shifts in my experience of myself as a musician and creative person, and I can certainly see the benefits of the preparenthood timing of it all.
I've also been coming to terms with the idea that I haven't worked as hard as I've intended on improving my lifestyle and habits while I wait. Well, maybe working harder at it is not what's called for. Working smarter? Perhaps. All I know is that there are things I want and need to let go of, and things I want and need to embrace, and that the delay might also be partly related to my not having made these choices yet. For instance, self-harm has really GOT to GO. It barely serves any function at all anymore. Sure, it's fairly reliable as an emotion attenuator, but I am aware of effective options now, and I swear I've continued in the old path only to avoid the unfamiliarity of the new. I mean, come on. I do it just because it's what I've always done? I can do better than that. My life allows me many choices if I'm in need of soothing and/or winding down. I must confess and own my growing awareness of my readiness to stop. It's time.
As for things to embrace, structure comes to mind... the kind that liberates energy rather than letting it waste away. Here's an idea, a metaphor: I want to go swimming, so I've got the hose running. And I could let it run as long as it would need to to fill up the pool, but if I haven't built the pool to contain the water, all I'll have is a soggy lawn. And even with all that water, I'll still be wanting a swim. I think getting out of bed at a predetermined time and then going about a routine would help keep me from glazing over at the computer for hours, procrastinating on housework and cooking and not even going near an instrument, a book or an art supply. I know from past experiments with structured time that I'm much more likely to work on creative projects when I'm tending to my basic self-care and responsibilities first, rather than avoiding them. I don't know why I don't procrastinate planning dinner by playing my banjo or reading rather than by playing Shanghai and "thinking." If I did that, I wouldn't necessarily feel a need to change the pattern. But as it is, well, I know I'm wasting time. When I left the work force 13 months ago, I really needed a rest. But now it's time to get a bit more active again. I can feel it.
*sigh*
It's not like I do nothing. Yesterday I took my dear one, the one who needs the support, to an A.A. meeting. I did the week's grocery shopping. I made a mix for a friend. Today is laundry day. I've also done some budgeting and bill paying, and--look!--I wrote a post. The plan for later is to cut my hair, a time-consuming project that I almost always procrastinate on for way too long. If I do it, that'll be big, and this day will officially have been productive. But come on. I can't think of a reason I couldn't have worked out and then gotten dressed first. I hate feeling like I'd be mortified if the UPS guy came, let alone an unannounced friend. Unscheduled PJ days have GOT to GO.
It's time.
*SIGH*
I've also been coming to terms with the idea that I haven't worked as hard as I've intended on improving my lifestyle and habits while I wait. Well, maybe working harder at it is not what's called for. Working smarter? Perhaps. All I know is that there are things I want and need to let go of, and things I want and need to embrace, and that the delay might also be partly related to my not having made these choices yet. For instance, self-harm has really GOT to GO. It barely serves any function at all anymore. Sure, it's fairly reliable as an emotion attenuator, but I am aware of effective options now, and I swear I've continued in the old path only to avoid the unfamiliarity of the new. I mean, come on. I do it just because it's what I've always done? I can do better than that. My life allows me many choices if I'm in need of soothing and/or winding down. I must confess and own my growing awareness of my readiness to stop. It's time.
As for things to embrace, structure comes to mind... the kind that liberates energy rather than letting it waste away. Here's an idea, a metaphor: I want to go swimming, so I've got the hose running. And I could let it run as long as it would need to to fill up the pool, but if I haven't built the pool to contain the water, all I'll have is a soggy lawn. And even with all that water, I'll still be wanting a swim. I think getting out of bed at a predetermined time and then going about a routine would help keep me from glazing over at the computer for hours, procrastinating on housework and cooking and not even going near an instrument, a book or an art supply. I know from past experiments with structured time that I'm much more likely to work on creative projects when I'm tending to my basic self-care and responsibilities first, rather than avoiding them. I don't know why I don't procrastinate planning dinner by playing my banjo or reading rather than by playing Shanghai and "thinking." If I did that, I wouldn't necessarily feel a need to change the pattern. But as it is, well, I know I'm wasting time. When I left the work force 13 months ago, I really needed a rest. But now it's time to get a bit more active again. I can feel it.
*sigh*
It's not like I do nothing. Yesterday I took my dear one, the one who needs the support, to an A.A. meeting. I did the week's grocery shopping. I made a mix for a friend. Today is laundry day. I've also done some budgeting and bill paying, and--look!--I wrote a post. The plan for later is to cut my hair, a time-consuming project that I almost always procrastinate on for way too long. If I do it, that'll be big, and this day will officially have been productive. But come on. I can't think of a reason I couldn't have worked out and then gotten dressed first. I hate feeling like I'd be mortified if the UPS guy came, let alone an unannounced friend. Unscheduled PJ days have GOT to GO.
It's time.
*SIGH*
posted by eliza | 10:54 AM
3 Comments:
You sound like me... I have so much I want to get accomplished, but end up just vegging instead. Must work on this. *sigh*
Oh yes. This has been a theme for me too lately. My ass hurts from too much sitting on a barstool, surfing/writing/uploading/ editing/chatting...
It's amazing how much better I feel when I am able to get stuff done everyday, be productive. When I'm not being productive, I sulk about all my responsibilities . Funny that the doing actually eliminates the suffering around thinking of doing.
God, what would I do without italics?
Take good care of yourself through any transition. Don't make any sudden moves. :) And put some Eckhart Tolle on your iPod. Been listening to his Findhorn retreat on and off for weeks now. I find him so grounding. I always have this light, happy energy after I listen for awhile. Like my soul is exhaling this big YES.
Yes to being perfect and enough in this moment. Yes to being cool with what is.
Teri's barstool comment reminded me of something one of my good A.A. pals used to say...how he'd sit on a barstool with his organizer/planner and write all the stuff he was going to do...except of course he never did ANY of it...because he spent all his time sitting on a barstool...planning. ;) The only thing keeping me sane at this point IS unstructured PJ days on the weekends...and yet it's part of why I'm feeling overwhelmed. It's my own perverse version of 'self-care'...struggling with having a stay-at-home spouse while I go off and work full-time. I've become so resistant to doing stuff on the weekends...feeling like, this is MY time and no one can make me do ANYTHING! Sorry, didn't mean this comment to be about ME...I was just trying to say...I relate.
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