progress

I'm feeling better and worse at once. I haven't exactly implemented instant structure this week, since posting about how I know it's time for some changes, but I have, well, made some changes. Probably best not to talk too much about it. In fact, I may tend to talk too much about myself in general. And this strange little outlet can't be helping! At least, not how I've been using it. But for now, since writing here is a way to update friends old and new, I will say that I've worked out and done pages every day since that post, and that both of those activities feel very, very helpful.

As far as the old crap I'm looking to let go of, I've been advised not to focus on that at all, even via trying to stop, but rather to turn my focus to my spiritual practice whenever I notice myself longing to fling myself off the path, in any way and for any reason. That focus, somehow new in the context of this current step, has also proven to be quite helpful. So I'll keep that the hell up.

I've noticed that as my days proceed with my new focus, it's tempting at times to think about how many more such days I might need to get behind me before I enjoy the "results" I'm looking for. Or rather, that my ego is looking for. So it's a helpful bit of synchronicity that I've been attending A.A. meetings in support of a dear one every week. That program is all about dealing with whatever is right in front of you, and gratefully taking things one day at a time. Helpful reminders! Letting my thoughts run to how I might look and feel in a month or a season does nothing but jeopardize the peace I can enjoy right now, if I only stay here.

And did I mention that I talk too much about myself? Well, not always. I'm also pretty alright at listening, and at talking with others about whatever is up with them. But I noticed recently that all this progress--the music stuff in the long strides and this week's new focus more recently--can tempt me, paradoxically, to want to not only cling to the good stuff but also to try to hoarde more by trying to be fascinating and alluring, and blathering on rather boorishly as a result. What could better guarantee that I squeeze my gifts right out from between my own fingers than that sort of B.S., I ask you? Oy. Luckily, I busted myself pretty early on in that unpleasant little phase. And my goal for tomorrow as I go about my busy and socially full day is to open my hands as wide as they will go. Let the blessings flow. In, out, wherever. To try to hold on or collect more is only to limit my capacity for Grace. Hopefully I can spread some good stuff around tomorrow rather than ending up feeling like a blathering boor.

So. How are you?