state of grace/overwhelm

Well, the show last Friday went... perfectly. We got to the club a bit early (after a two hour drive) and had to do a bit of standing around, but this also meant that we managed to score a legal parking space right by the entrance--no small feat in Cambridge, Mass., and cause for much rejoicing. Things just sort of fell into place from there. The sound guy and the other bands (six in total - it was the record label's ten year anniversary party) were all friendly, cooperative and generally cool. The sound check went fine--the club was boomy but we could hear ourselves. We took a nice walk after, ate snacks and drank chai. An old friend met me at the club when we got back. His excellent seventeen year-old daughter and her boyfriend stopped by, too. She unfortunately couldn't stay because the show was eighteen-plus (grrr), but she brought a mix she'd made for me of songs which incorporate a particular chord change for which she, I and her dad all share a very strong, very unusual affinity. It was a lovely gift. There was free homemade Korean food at the club, as part of the celebration. Can you even stand it? And as the time to play drew nigh, the crowd became more and more liberally peppered with good friends, loved ones and devoted fans.

I was calm generally; it helped a lot that G was there to help me in case of emergency. This was my first rock show! I understood that all sorts of things could go wrong: with instruments, effects, cables, amps, miscommunications... As I had no previous direct experience with that sort of thing, I'd just have to deal if something came up. But nothing did, to speak of. I adjusted my amp volume mid-song when I heard unwanted feedback. And I almost came in singing in the wrong spot once, but caught myself immediately. That was it for snafus, if they even qualify. On the plus side, the audience loved our set and responded with generous enthusiasm. The music gelled nicely; everything clicked. I could hear myself, so I sang in tune. One thing flowed smoothly into another. There was a little gaggle of dear ones standing right in front and in direct line of sight, singing along, rocking out and cheering wildly. I had taped a spare pick to my electric guitar in case of droppage (ain't that just the cutest thing?), but I didn't even have to use it. And I was singing with my favorite friggin' band. It was great.

After the show, fans made a point of approaching me to say "great show." These were folks who knew I was new to the lineup. One, a dude I recognized just by virtue of his being as big a fan as I am and being at many of the same shows I'd attended, went out of his way to gush about specific things I brought to the mix. The gaggle of dear ones from the front row had decided that I had been "The calm at the eye of the storm" up there, ..."a calm, strong presence, bathed in light." Wow! G was getting the love, too. He has a fantastic, rockin' yet solid stage presence; he's a blast to watch, and many friends and fans couldn't say enough about that. The head of the record label gave me a big hug and said I was amazing. Actually, he then went on to say he couldn't believe I'd even gone on stage "in these circumstances," which I felt funny about because I knew I'd been outed as a newbie, but T (formerly referred to here as 'R', the lead dude) made a point of explaining after we left that a moment before I had walked up and gotten that hug, the guy had been raving about what assets G and I were. Only then was it mentioned that this was my first show, and that I had basically learned the electric guitar so I could do it. "It only adds to the mystique," he said. Mystique! Gotta love that.

So. Huzzah. Wish I had a picture to show you. Will post something if any are passed along. And I hope something else is scheduled soon. This rock thing is rather fun, I have to say.

There was a party with many of the same folks to attend the next night, which was lovely. But I began to become aware that I needed down time soon. The morning after the party, yesterday, I took someone close to me to an A.A. meeting. This is something I've been doing to support her for the past month or so, once a week, but I swear I get as much out of going as she does, if not more. Yesterday's topic was spirituality, and I cried nearly continually (as inconspicuously as possible) as one excellent, beautiful person after another shared their ideas about how they had been helped by God (as they understood God). I was blown away. One girl told of how she had woken up once on the bank of a river with two homeless guys after passing out in a drug and alcohol haze, and she realized that in that state and in that place, anything could have happened to her. But these two men had watched over her. As she came to, they reassured her that all was well and that she was safe, and they offered her some soup. Beautiful. It all got me thinking about what Jesus said about the meek, about how doing good to anyone was as doing good to him, about entertaining angels unawares. There is spiritual light and beauty out there, and it is everywhere.

So by yesterday afternoon (when I had a sing and a singing community business meeting to attend) I'd gotten back into the good ol' mode of spritually porous mushiness, so sensitive, receptive, and emotionally filled up that I could barely function. I started to shut down; my communication became edgy and inadvertantly intense. I really must learn to manage overstimulation. Hey! A thought: I refer to that state to friends by saying I'm "full." Maybe what I need to do to manage it is to empty out a bit, by giving some away! I tend to want to shut down and curl up alone, but maybe if I instead made an effort to share and give to others at those times rather than pushing them away, I'd find my balance. Hmm. I hope I remember to try this next time.

Last night, I used isolation, french fries and formulaic cop show repeats to fix me up. And it worked fine. So. Life's good.