who this is for

Another rainbow, from Saturday. 'Twas but a shadow of the one that recently inspired me to give away money, but every rainbow is a good rainbow. Our deck provides an excellent viewing venue--whenever one of these lovelies appears in the sky it always seems to be visible in its entirety over the hills behind our house. Our rear view faces east/northeast, apparently a prefered quadrant. Sweet!

G gave his notice at work last Friday. He embarks on his new adventure full-time in just a few weeks--his last day at the office will be the day before Thanksgiving. Nice timing there. Even at this transitional stage, he is so filled with gratitude he's a joy to be around. Apparently saying out loud to his boss that he was leaving to pursue his dream was one of those moments. He's a changed man! Calm, confident, content... G was already all of these things, but now it's just radiating from his very pores. As he remarked the other day, "I think this is what they mean by 'actualization.' " Indeed.

I'm doing my best to ride the uplifting tide. I feel great, too: also calm and content, also very, very grateful. I've been domesticizing even more, keeping things cleaner, cooking more... and sewing! So far nothing from scratch, but it sure feels good to have finally made the skirt and funky tunic/jumper I wanted out of those dresses I wasn't crazy about, for instance. They've been waiting there for me for, oh, three or four years. I've also been knitting. I only know the two most basic stitches, but I discovered last week that if I use fat needles and bulky, fluffy yarn two strands at a time, basic scarves look funky and very cool. I started with one for G, which he loves and which looks truly great on him. Then I went back to the store and bought a hundred dollars worth of yarn, with which I will make fifteen Christmas presents. Um, cost effective? Yuh. I've made two scarves so far. They only take me a few hours to do. And I shall soon attempt my first sweater.

Basically, I'm relishing my life in all its details. My practice is still suffering after the intense stretch I went through recently, but I'm keeping it up as best I can, trying to stay open to the growth and to all the goodness unfolding. My ongoing additional intensity continues to make social interactions more challenging; that keeps me humble and brings me back to the work again and again. But these are fine times in our happy little home. I am happy. And socially challenged or no, we've been entertaining a lot lately, sharing the joy, such as it is. I am not withdrawing to cope with the sensitivity. So yay.

On the fertility front, a small but significant development: I realized over the weekend that pursuing medical means is simply not for me. In the back of my mind, I've been dreading what seemed like the virtually inevitable round of hormones I'd have to endure. I'd even set a deadline to start the drug that "everyone" in my situation takes--and it was this month, if we didn't conceive naturally. Well, F that. It's not my way. It makes no sense to me. If this is going to happen, it's going to happen. The only thing the drug would do is to ensure ovulation, apart from messing mightily with my already challenging emotional landscape and reinforcing doubt and fear, not to mention causing god-knows-what for physical symptoms. I believe I'll ovulate if I'm meant to conceive. No--it's more than that: I believe that this entire undertaking is in God's hands. The drug and the turkey baster and all those other means may be godsends of a sort for other women, but I now know they are not for me. The relief and the peace are palpable. (A bible verse comes to mind... I guess I won't start quoting scripture, but I just love this image: and thou shalt be like a watered garden... It comes after a bit about God guiding us always.) G supports my decision completely. Ahhh.

Speaking of not quoting scripture, I've been thinking about something I wrote here as I returned after a long hiatus: ...as I've considered returning to my blog, I've thought about finding a way to incorporate here more of the things I actually think about most... Let me just say I want to find a way to be more fully honest about who I am. As I consider my posts since then, I think I'm doing that. And I may need to go a bit further in that direction. The name of this blog is a quote from a bible verse, from the 139th Psalm, actually, which is a significant spiritual guidepost for me. The more I write here and the more my intentions for doing so consciously emerge, the more the name makes sense. So maybe I should be quoting scripture! -- along with all my other sources of written wisdom. I may want to expound a bit on the inner context of my musings here.

In a related vein, I've also been working out who I believe I'm writing for. I don't imagine I have many readers, for starters. And though I cherish the ones I do have, I don't tend to want to give the address out. But I also don't mind the idea of anyone reading who happens to find it. This includes people I know, especially since the group I started this thing to participate in has pretty much disbanded and my raison d'etre has ripened into something new. (Or perhaps has been refined back to its true original intent, judging by the name I gave the site.) I still think it's pretty weird that anyone I know well enough to consider a friend would read and not give me a little wink or a nod to let me know they're reading. And I realize that some share this perspective and some don't. But the truth is, knowing that anyone could be reading has not confined my writing in any perceptible way. So I guess that's that on the topic of lurkers whom I know.

On the topic of Who This Is For, I've realized it's for me, and it's for the world, in the same sense as any other creative endeavor. It's for me because it's an outlet for self-expression. And it's for the world because all our individual acts of self-expression (which is really every single thing we think, say or do) are part of the collective consciousness of Who We Are. So here is a small and meandering offering from little old me, for whomever may find it and gain something from it, anything. I believe that God distributes the gifts we're all giving, and the Holy Spirit takes care of the details of putting what we need to hear before us at the perfect time and in the best and easiest possible way. Some call that synchronicity. However it's framed, I trust this idea. That's Who this is for.

So in keeping with my new, clearer m.o., here's a little something that reached out and grabbed me by the soul over the weekend as I pondered G's self-actualization and material success, along with the blog-related stuff above: (It's from God Calling, an amazing book I recommend to anyone on a path of spiritual opening - )

Never count success by money gained. ... Your success is the measure of My Will that those around you have seen worked out in your lives.

Amen!

Still waiting for word about the possible opportunity to play some rock and roll...