friends and money
Menstruation, boo! At least I succeeded in remaining disengaged this month from the intense yay-or-nay mentality I have indulged on and off since beginning the journey to parenthood. I'm feeling okay; I'm working the trust. I feel a little off emotionally, though - probably just the normal monthly challenges - and I'm a bit blue. Which doesn't help.
When I'm off, it can be hard to be around people. I feel awkward, more intense than usual. People seem to think I'm angry or otherwise negatively oriented at those times, but in truth the problem tends to be more along the lines of hypersensitivity. Ever noticed that your guardedness gets interpretted as hostility? Ever interpret someone else's guardedness thusly? I definitely have, and I'm trying to rewire my reactions. I know that when I feel guarded I need more love, not less, no matter how it looks. It's not easy to turn that around, to offer it to someone else who seems extra edgy rather than condemning them for doing (or feeling) something I do (or project) and don't feel comfortable with.
Of course, sometimes I am angry, or just cranky. Not as often as it apparently looks, but sometimes. And some folks don't seem all that comfortable with me then. Huh! So I also practice extending love and acceptance to angry people, as much as possible. That one's also tricky, but MAN is it satisfying when I remember to do it. In any case, I'm finding that I'm less engaged these days about how things go with other people, in good times and cranky, which must good. I just love them, and I just wish them well. If there are misunderstandings, they'll eventually clear up. And even when things feel awkward, chances are excellent that there isn't a thing there that's worth even a moment's notice. I waste less time and energy focusing on struggle these days, mine or others'. Even if it means moving out of closeness with some friends, which, hmmm... it seems to.
G just hugged me goodbye; he's off to an afternoon of watching football and drinking beer. He doesn't have these problems. Everyone loves him and feels comfortable with him. I didn't tell him about this post I'm writing; I just said, "I'm so glad I have you. You understand me." "What's to understand?" he replied with sweet, sweet irony. "You're so simple! So uncomplex!" God I love him.
He's now being courted by a second company, one with lots of money. Since he's in a part-time mutual trial period with the first place that spotted him, these new guys really had to bug him to even get an initial interview. He thought he wouldn't like them. But he did. And they looooved him. The structure of the job is virtually identical to the first--another version of his dream. As long as our basic needs are met, money is not at all his main motivator. So if they do both end up making offers, he'll choose with his heart and his gut based on where he believes he will feel most happy and fulfilled. But this pleasant new wrinkle does make the possibility of a little more money for us now a bit more feasible.
Even just thinking about a slight increase in household income has already had an interesting affect on the list of things I longed to buy: it got shorter. This reminds me of our honeymoon trip. We opted for an all-inclusive package, and we could basically have whatever we wanted at every meal. It seemed in theory that this might result in gluttony, or at least in ordering the most expensive item on the menu every time, just because we could. But what happened in practice was that we ordered just what we wanted--exactly what we wanted--no more, no less. We'd get whatever looked most intriguing or what seemd most likely to make us feel good. Sometimes it was the expensive entree, sometimes just the big salad. We'd order dessert if we felt like it, but if we got full halfway through, we wouldn't finish it anyway just because we'd already invested the extra five bucks.
The package came with a little card called "The Golden Key" - that's what we handed the waiter instead of money. Hello, metaphor! We decided we'd take The Golden Key home with us. It has helped quite a bit, though lean times can really jam whatever in us regulates the impulse to consume. And we have been through some lean times over the past couple of years.
In a bit of interestingly synchronicitous timing, I caught a show on cable the other night about massive lottery winners. Now, I am most certainly not talking about money on that level coming to us. It's fun to consider the possibility of G signing on with the next YouTube at its inception, but the odds of that are probably pretty steep as well. Still, I had been thinking about the idea of "more money," and here was this television show with a parade of newly rich people showing off what they bought with their winnings and how much they paid for all of it. And I watched, and I squirmed. And I thought, If I won the lottery, I'd set up a fund to perpetuate money so that I could keep giving it away.
Philanthropy. It has such a nice ring to it. How great it must feel to be in a position to make a difference in that way to a large number of people! I mean, how much better than having a solid gold toilet or seventeen really expensive cars. That, on the other hand, seemed to me like it might feel pretty crappy at the end of the day.
I suppose most philanthropists do both. I suppose having a gagillion dollars might change my perspective on expensive things. But witnessing these lottery winners' gleeful over-consumption helped further realign my inner consumption guage. I mentioned my plan for if we ever get in that position to Gerard. He concurred.
The next day, I saw the brightest rainbow I'd ever seen in my life. It made me feel uplifted, hopeful, happy. I always equate rainbows with the promise of peace. I decided in that happy state to write in my journal. And after a few pages I got the idea. We could do it now! Or very soon, in any case. We have so much. In many ways, most of us in this culture live better than kings did a few hundred years ago. All this food, all this comfort. Maybe G and I can help other people more now. Why wait till it's coming out our ears? That may never happen. So I made up a budget that includes a big chunk of giveaway money every month, and I asked Gerard to consider it. He said "You're so awesome," he slept on it, and then he agreed.
I'm so happy. Can't wait to try it out. I have a feeling we'll feel really... rich.
PS - Just read another great post over at 37days about Muhammad Yunus, a recent Nobel Peace Prize winner who has implemented the fabulous idea of making very small loans to very poor people, with wonderful results. Part of the deal is the agreement that borrowers make, the "16 decisions" that they commit to to improve their lives and their community. This is along the lines of teaching someone to fish rather than giving them a fish, and giving them a small loan for supplies to get them started as well. I will definitely look for programs to support which follow this premise!
Of course I also wonder what 16 decisions I could make to improve my own life and community. But that's a bit ahead of me at the moment. For now, I'll give money when I can to those amazing, mysterious creatures with energy and motivation, and I'll see if I can get my yoga practice going again... and work out... and wash the kitchen floor...
When I'm off, it can be hard to be around people. I feel awkward, more intense than usual. People seem to think I'm angry or otherwise negatively oriented at those times, but in truth the problem tends to be more along the lines of hypersensitivity. Ever noticed that your guardedness gets interpretted as hostility? Ever interpret someone else's guardedness thusly? I definitely have, and I'm trying to rewire my reactions. I know that when I feel guarded I need more love, not less, no matter how it looks. It's not easy to turn that around, to offer it to someone else who seems extra edgy rather than condemning them for doing (or feeling) something I do (or project) and don't feel comfortable with.
Of course, sometimes I am angry, or just cranky. Not as often as it apparently looks, but sometimes. And some folks don't seem all that comfortable with me then. Huh! So I also practice extending love and acceptance to angry people, as much as possible. That one's also tricky, but MAN is it satisfying when I remember to do it. In any case, I'm finding that I'm less engaged these days about how things go with other people, in good times and cranky, which must good. I just love them, and I just wish them well. If there are misunderstandings, they'll eventually clear up. And even when things feel awkward, chances are excellent that there isn't a thing there that's worth even a moment's notice. I waste less time and energy focusing on struggle these days, mine or others'. Even if it means moving out of closeness with some friends, which, hmmm... it seems to.
G just hugged me goodbye; he's off to an afternoon of watching football and drinking beer. He doesn't have these problems. Everyone loves him and feels comfortable with him. I didn't tell him about this post I'm writing; I just said, "I'm so glad I have you. You understand me." "What's to understand?" he replied with sweet, sweet irony. "You're so simple! So uncomplex!" God I love him.
He's now being courted by a second company, one with lots of money. Since he's in a part-time mutual trial period with the first place that spotted him, these new guys really had to bug him to even get an initial interview. He thought he wouldn't like them. But he did. And they looooved him. The structure of the job is virtually identical to the first--another version of his dream. As long as our basic needs are met, money is not at all his main motivator. So if they do both end up making offers, he'll choose with his heart and his gut based on where he believes he will feel most happy and fulfilled. But this pleasant new wrinkle does make the possibility of a little more money for us now a bit more feasible.
Even just thinking about a slight increase in household income has already had an interesting affect on the list of things I longed to buy: it got shorter. This reminds me of our honeymoon trip. We opted for an all-inclusive package, and we could basically have whatever we wanted at every meal. It seemed in theory that this might result in gluttony, or at least in ordering the most expensive item on the menu every time, just because we could. But what happened in practice was that we ordered just what we wanted--exactly what we wanted--no more, no less. We'd get whatever looked most intriguing or what seemd most likely to make us feel good. Sometimes it was the expensive entree, sometimes just the big salad. We'd order dessert if we felt like it, but if we got full halfway through, we wouldn't finish it anyway just because we'd already invested the extra five bucks.
The package came with a little card called "The Golden Key" - that's what we handed the waiter instead of money. Hello, metaphor! We decided we'd take The Golden Key home with us. It has helped quite a bit, though lean times can really jam whatever in us regulates the impulse to consume. And we have been through some lean times over the past couple of years.
In a bit of interestingly synchronicitous timing, I caught a show on cable the other night about massive lottery winners. Now, I am most certainly not talking about money on that level coming to us. It's fun to consider the possibility of G signing on with the next YouTube at its inception, but the odds of that are probably pretty steep as well. Still, I had been thinking about the idea of "more money," and here was this television show with a parade of newly rich people showing off what they bought with their winnings and how much they paid for all of it. And I watched, and I squirmed. And I thought, If I won the lottery, I'd set up a fund to perpetuate money so that I could keep giving it away.
Philanthropy. It has such a nice ring to it. How great it must feel to be in a position to make a difference in that way to a large number of people! I mean, how much better than having a solid gold toilet or seventeen really expensive cars. That, on the other hand, seemed to me like it might feel pretty crappy at the end of the day.
I suppose most philanthropists do both. I suppose having a gagillion dollars might change my perspective on expensive things. But witnessing these lottery winners' gleeful over-consumption helped further realign my inner consumption guage. I mentioned my plan for if we ever get in that position to Gerard. He concurred.
The next day, I saw the brightest rainbow I'd ever seen in my life. It made me feel uplifted, hopeful, happy. I always equate rainbows with the promise of peace. I decided in that happy state to write in my journal. And after a few pages I got the idea. We could do it now! Or very soon, in any case. We have so much. In many ways, most of us in this culture live better than kings did a few hundred years ago. All this food, all this comfort. Maybe G and I can help other people more now. Why wait till it's coming out our ears? That may never happen. So I made up a budget that includes a big chunk of giveaway money every month, and I asked Gerard to consider it. He said "You're so awesome," he slept on it, and then he agreed.
I'm so happy. Can't wait to try it out. I have a feeling we'll feel really... rich.
PS - Just read another great post over at 37days about Muhammad Yunus, a recent Nobel Peace Prize winner who has implemented the fabulous idea of making very small loans to very poor people, with wonderful results. Part of the deal is the agreement that borrowers make, the "16 decisions" that they commit to to improve their lives and their community. This is along the lines of teaching someone to fish rather than giving them a fish, and giving them a small loan for supplies to get them started as well. I will definitely look for programs to support which follow this premise!
Of course I also wonder what 16 decisions I could make to improve my own life and community. But that's a bit ahead of me at the moment. For now, I'll give money when I can to those amazing, mysterious creatures with energy and motivation, and I'll see if I can get my yoga practice going again... and work out... and wash the kitchen floor...
posted by eliza | 11:00 AM
1 Comments:
AWESOME! What a great perspective on wealth. I suspect if I had tons of money, i would avoid the solid gold toilet as well. It makes my heart hurt now to know that some people have way more than they will ever need and some people will never have what they need.
I feel your sadness but also that you're just being with it without judging it. And transforming it by sending out more love.
Big hug. xo
P.S. oh, the time change thing. at the bottom of your blogger interface (what you type into when you're writing a post) there should be a little triangle that says next to it "comment and post options". click the triangle and it will open an option to change date and time.
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