next stage

I felt pregnant right up until the day my period came. At first I wanted to feel petulant - How could I get so much guidance that led me to believe that this was it if it wasn't? - but I couldn't keep up that charade. I could see right away that I had felt rather manic throughout the past two weeks, and under that came the realization that I had essentially been trying to will what I wanted to happen.

There's a healthy sort of denial, I find, that is not about what I personally want but rather what is ultimately true. I use that to remember that all is well. It's helpful for banishing pain and illness, or for finding balance and ease when I think I need money or props. Helpful hardly touches what it is, really - it's the center of my practice, but more words would only feel less true. In any case, I can't confuse that with wishful or willful thinking. I've always known and said that something as big as welcoming a child is just not going to be in my hands or on my timeline. I thought it was happening now partly because I believed now would be the "perfect" time. But I'm not in a position to know what the perfect time is. All is well. I need to let go.

I'm very intuitive, but my superpowers can get hella scrambled when I'm trying to get a read on a situation in which I am personally engaged. I know this. So when it became clear that I wasn't going to get my wish this month, for five minutes I wanted to despair, to feel betrayed by Guidance and alone in an ocean of uncertainty. But, oh well - that passed. No tantrum today. I feel humbled and happy, relieved of a burden. On to the next stage! I've come too far to let myself believe I'm alone anymore.