week 8

Well. The progress report felt awfully good to do. I think it helped me move toward the goal of recovering a sense of strength in a rather difficult week.

My potential pregnancy party has officially been pooped. Yet somehow, the net result of the experience of becoming convinced I was pregnant, even though I wasn't (or didn't stay that way), is that I feel more fertile. I know more deeply that I am ready and that I really want this. After an initial high in week 7, I watched myself let some of my helpful new habits and practices slip into the back seat as I retreated into nervous disassociation and some self-destructiveness. It wasn't even fear of pregnancy or motherhood that did it - it was just the discomfort of not knowing, of being out of control. Doubt set in. The less I trusted that all would be well no matter what, and the more I manically checked my symptoms and looked for signs, the worse I felt. Less grounded. Less strong. More out of it. I even developed cold symptoms and ended up missing some things I had wanted to do.

By the end of this week, even as my period was late, I settled down. I got real. I let go of outcomes and I got back to work on myself, my creativity, my life. I cooked, I played, I did my practice, I started another new song. I felt better. When it became clear I was not pregnant, I was completely okay. And now I know that in my future opportunities, which have already begun to unfold, I won't do that again--I'm tired of the cliche, but this is definitely a been there, done that kind of moment.

I think this pattern may play out with other creations as well. I don't like the earliest phase of gestation. I want my songs and such to come to me whole and perfect in the manner I choose, at the time I appoint. I start imagining the positive responses I will get from the people I'll share them with before I've gotten any further than a couple of interesting chord changes. Huh. Come to think of it, there is something to explore here about wanting to validate myself to others through my creations, and I think it started to rear it's nasty little head around having a baby. Eek. Well, that's something else I learned, something else to keep an eye on starting now.

I did my pages every day, as usual. My cold kept me in for my artist date, but I did watch a fantastic movie called "What the Bleep Do We Know," which definitely filled my well. I plan to rewatch it later today. It's right up my alley - metaphysics - though via the scientific perspective. Same diff! Among other fascinating assertions helpfully illustrated in this wonderful piece is the idea that our words and emotions actually change our physical bodies on a molecular and cellular level. More reason to choose forgiveness, love, and joy, all spelled out and articulated in a cogent and scholarly manner. Both sides of my brain were thrilled. And I just LOVE how many of the conclusions of quantum theory say many of the same things about reality, virtually verbatim, as spiritual texts like A Course In Miracles and Conversations With God. Everything's coming together. The parallel lines of science and spirit are heading into infinity, straight toward intersection. They are revealing themselves to never have been opposed at all. Ahhh.

Ooh, goody! Just peeked: Compassion is the theme of week 9. I expect I will experience sychronicities among my practices. And what was I just saying about reasons to choose forgiveness, love and joy? Ahhh.