archeology

Well first of all, I never did a proper check-in last week, and I feel I should. So here it is:

1) I always do the pages. I love them. They help me. I ignore Julia's suggestions to use them to explore this or that, because I need to use them to explore or to expel whatever's pressing on my mind that morning. I am writing them right after I wake up more often, and that is working for me even better (as I thought it would).

2) I've been working out money and abundance issues for more than a year now, with some success, so the Money Madness excercise and readings did not yield anything startling. I made my best progess on this issue the week before I signed on to this program, when I lost my job and knew in my gut it was time to live my dream of not working and focus on myself for awhile: on spiritual growth, on creating, and on procreating, not necessarily in that order. It was good to check in about that stuff, though. Toward the end of the week I learned that rather than the refund I've been expecting and budgeting for, it looks like we're going to owe taxes! Let's just say that my reponse to this revelation made it clear that a little more work around money wouldn't hurt. I also noticed that I could do more tarot readings and intuitive consulting, that I want to, that doing more of that work would nourish me deeply, and that it would ease things financially as well. Hmmm. Time to advertise, perhaps?

3) I had a swell artist date planned on Friday night, to go see a local high school musical production. I wanted to be in a school auditorium and to see dewy young 'uns earnestly doing the stage production thing. But the high school is on some country road around here, some country road with a blown-down street sign, apparently, and believe it or not I COULDN'T FIND IT. At first this seemed somewhat fortuituous, as my husband had brought his darling little sister home with him from work (she works there, too), so I got to hang out with them. But then I ended up calling her a liar because she seemed to be pretending to enjoy the popcorn with nutritional yeast that I prepared while barely touching it. I meant it lightly, and of course I didn't take her taste personally, but it didn't go over well. Ladies who would rather be polite than honest would also rather not be called a liar, apparently. I wouldn't know, since I am socially impaired. I say what I think (mostly comically and affectionately), and I truly LOVE being called on my bullshit, (as long as it's not done judgementally). Come to think of it, I probably came off as judgemental inadvertantly. Sigh. But I digress. That little bit of social discomfort, combined with all this bothersome progress and inconvenient HAPPINESS lately, as well as the feeling that I might be PREGNANT, well, o my f.g., how is a girl supposed to keep her balance? I could have slid in an eleventh hour replacement AD on Saturday, but I didn't.

I kept with my programs well enough this weekend, but by the skin of my teeth. I also stayed up until the wee hours a couple of times and ate an inordinate amount of candy. But I am okay. I ended up being so bothered by my AD truancy that I used my unbalanced energy for good and pulled images for my collage until 2am on Saturday instead of watching TV. I'm okay.

One last update item: G and I played for an hour or so yesterday. I can't say we made any real progess on our song, mostly because it's a strange little riff in some ways which he was hearing differently from what I had in my head, and since I'm the songwriter in the family I spent half the time trying to help him hear what I was doing rhythmically and where the chord changes were. After we got over that hump and just played it for awhile, however, our playing reinforced how much I like what we ended up with as a foundation for a song - I enjoyed just letting it wash over me, over and over. I remain committed to letting that song come through, as well as I can. Playing together a second time, and getting through a difficult period of musical misunderstanding, was also really good. Productive. Solid foundations are being laid here - I won't succumb to impatience if I can help it.

On to this week: I love my collage! It fills me with inspiration. I blew off the instruction to take only twenty minutes pulling images for it because I knew I'd been working up to it for years, and I wanted it to take as long as it wanted to take, to let it out fully. There are items in there that I knew would be for a special collage, and I've literally been saving them for years. It feels sooo good to have expressed myself in this way.

And it seems the creation is now creating - it really feels like my collage is helping me to help shape my consciousess of my life, my dreams, my desires. It has four sections: baby, music, home, and spritual work. I could go on and on about what's in there, section by section. It's tempting. But I'll let it speak for itself rather than slathering words all over it. (And I mean that more for myself than for any readers here.) The one thing I'll mention is that the collage makes very clear that intuitive consulting work is very, very important to me and that I need to be doing way more of it. This is another area in which I face discomfort and resistance in putting myself out there. But I really need to do that. I need to.

Archeology, an excercise:

(shortfalls)
1. As a kid, I missed the chance to be a kid.
2. As a kid, I lacked support and affection.
3. As a kid, I could have used an attentive parent.
4. As a kid, I dreamed of being a famous singer.
5. As a kid, I wanted a horse.
6. In my house, we never had enough real love.
7. As a kid, I needed more approval and understanding.
8. I am sorry that I will never again see the world from a child's perspective. [I see that even the perspective of a child who thinks she's an adult is a child's perspective.]
9. For years, I have missed and wondered about Greg. [How could I have lost his number after that unpleasant conversation? Why? Why is he not google-able? Was I meant to have lost him?]
10. I beat myself up about the loss of old friends I screwed things up with.

(positive inventory)
1. I have a loyal friend in G.
2. One thing I like about my town is it's progressiveness. Even though hippies get on my nerves, it sure is good to have them around.
3. I think I have nice boobies.
4. Writing morning pages has shown me I can keep with a program if the benefits are obvious and immediate.
5. I am taking a greater interest in other people.
6. I believe I am getting better at listening and accepting.
8. My self-care is improving in that it seems to be up from self-destructive to neutral. [Or even somewhat positive?! Wow.]
9. I feel more sensitive, awake and alive. Just looking at and considering my kitties is virtually unbearable sometimes lately.
10. Possibly, my creativity is thinking about re-emerging.

Here is a photo of the little altar I made on the bookshelf in my meditation room:


It's very interesting to me that those special photos are all of me with my siblings:



When we were little I wanted to be an only child. My mother scapegoated me and turned them against me, convincing them that I was very bad and the root of our family's problems. But I began to appreciate them as people as soon as I moved out of the house. And we began to get close when as an adult I began to tell my story. I had to tell it over and over, and illustrate it, and keep at it. But the end result is that they get it, they see it now, they are very sorry to have been pawns in my mother's hideous power play, and they are allies. Not that this is a war. Not that in truth it's ever really anybody against anybody. I don't need or want anyone to "fight" for me. I only want forgiveness and healing for all of us. But they do support me now. I have familial love, support, and understanding. It's imperfect and it's brave and it's beautiful.

And that little hummel? My dad brought home three hummels from Germany a long time ago, when we were very little. They represented us three kids. And this one, the one that's me, is 1) singing, 2) wearing boots, and 3) playing a BANJO! The little title plaque on the base says, "Happiness." Wow!

Years ago (before I even played the banjo), when my cat knocked it off a shelf and it shattered, I was pretty sad. But another one came back to me as a gift years later. When that one fell and broke, it was glue-able. Pretty corny, but: my happiness keeps shining through! And no brokenness is permanent.