spiritually evolved or VERY BORING

Remember that Sinead O'Connor album title, "I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got"? Well that's me, apparently. I just did this week's tasks, and my wildest dreams are ostensibly quite attainable. I don't want to be famous. I only want to do what I enjoy, to respect myself, to create for the sake of creating, to work with others I respect and who challenge me to keep growing creatively, mentally, and spiritually. I want to make recordings, not to sell them so much as for the sake of, well, making a record of my work and having a tangible representation of it that I can keep and share with others. (The nice thing about recordings as opposed to, say, sculpture, is that I can make as many copies as I want and share what I have done virtually infinitely.)

I want to perform to share what I do with people I love and with others who might discover and enjoy or be touched or helped by my work. I've been around and involved in the music/recording business enough to know that anything beyond the musical equivalent of independent press just ain't my bag. Touring and high-pressure performance dates hold little or no appeal. I'd rather play smaller, more intimate stages. I know I could get gigs around here, and that would be enough. Digital technology has made it possible for anyone to make and reproduce decent recordings, but I used to be a recording engineer. And I even prefer lo-fi to slick. Doable, doable, doable.

Of course, I also want to play and perform and record with the musician friend/s I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. That's a bit specific, but I'm asking the universe for it anyway, especially since it's so, well, possible.

I am sure, and I mean I'm completely positive, that the attainability of my goals is not just me preemptively undercutting my own options to avoid having to take risks. My heart knows that when it comes to creative goals, these are the things I truly want.

Does this make me boring? It feels pretty good from in here, but I wonder on some level if it makes me a less interesting person to others. When I did the list of twenty things, I noticed that I tend to like to do things that are cheap or free and have little or no associated physical risk and a nice slow or moderate pace, although I listed nothing that I didn't find spiritually stimulating. The thing is, I listed the things I do or could do every day. Baths. Walks. Movies. Singing. When I moved on to the "Ideal Day" excercise, I realized that by the yardstick of this list, I could have an "Ideal Day" every day. And for the "Ideal Ideal Day"? Well, I could use a nicer yard with trees for snoozing and hanging out in in the summer, but even there, something else in this town or this area would suit me fine. I don't want to live in Bali or even in Big Sur. And I don't want to be on any magazine covers, sell a million records, or have my ride pimped. I just want to have a good meal and a good laugh with friends. I want to have a child, happy kitties, some cds of my songs.

This is quite a thing to notice about myself and my life: I can have what I want. I don't want a different life. I want the one I have; I just want to live it more fully. I could take way more of the nature walks I love so, or even make a regular thing of it - a weekly walk, not to be blown off. And horseback riding - easily incorporated. The steps I laid out toward meeting my musical goals were the ones I've already been beginning to take - just play. Just write. Play with others. Begin to share the work again. Doable, doable, doable.

Wow. What was I afraid of? The AW must be like the ruby slippers and yellow brick road - you may have had the power all along, but you have to walk the whole way before you'll believe it. And you have to believe you have it to use it.



PS - I'm still in limbo about the status of my ultimate creative project. Many thanks to those of you who left supportive words. I need them, and they're helping.