tough spell
Last week was a week of swings, of ups and downs, of emotional challenges and checking out. It started off with a bang with my collage, and continued strong for a few days - I loved the archeology excercise and the related insights I was led to regarding my family connections and my happiness. I struggled, however, with social difficulties. I got a little manic last week, a little ungrounded. When I went to my weekly S H sing (which I frequently skip for this reason), I felt hyper and exposed, and therefore ultimately a bit defensive. I must find a way to ground my progress in my face-to-face experience with other people. Just a little bit of discomfort and imperfect interaction that night sent me retreating to a cave of TV, food and sleep for two days afterward. It just brings up a lot - all the things I don't like about myself, all the things I still need to work on and change.
I slipped a bit in my practice. I missed yoga twice, though one of the missed practices I made up by doubling up the following day. I'm in a review period in A Course In Miracles, which, without getting into a lot of unnecessary explanation, made it easier somehow to let slide a little, to do less and therefore get less out of it. Disappointing. But I have moved on.
I did continue to do my pages every day, and they continued to help. I did an Artist Date, too, during which I explored a kick-ass thrift shop (and found several cheap treasures for me, G, and other friends), and took myself out to lunch. I also sat in sacred space for awhile and found myself spiritually refreshed. I had an awkward social interaction in the space, though, which took it out of me again. And I fretted about money during lunch. The restaurant part might have been gratuitous. Next time I'll be sure to eat before I go out - I don't want use ADs as an excuse to blow money. That's not the best approach for me at the moment. My own kitchen contains all the culinary abundance I require these days.
I also hosted a birthday party for G on Saturday night, which of course required extra cooking and cleaning. And SOCIALIZING. But I did alright. I had a lot of fun, actually, and I had no nitpicky behavioral regrets the next day. I think my stint on the couch may have have been a rest my weary emotional bones just needed last week. It seems to have helped.
The thing is, beyond and underneath everything else - beyond all the AW excercises and the playing and the facing things and becoming happier and more okay and all that, which is huge - oh dear oh me oh my - what really got to me last week was the wait to confirm the pregnancy I hope and believe may be in progress. There have been many snychronicitous, intuitive and physical indications. I want to trust, but I want to KNOW. And I do not want to set myself up for a lot of pain if it just ain't so this time around. What I really need to do is to let go. I got this message very strongly over the weekend as I emerged from the cave. Just. Let. Go. I have managed to do this somewhat since then. Of course, it's a wavering and an ongoing process. It's not easy.
A different sort of post for me, this. I feel a bit self-conscious, a bit dull. But I did want to check in, to say where I am.
I gobbled up the reading this week, but the excercises feel scary, especially that first one, the big one. Well, here goes...
I slipped a bit in my practice. I missed yoga twice, though one of the missed practices I made up by doubling up the following day. I'm in a review period in A Course In Miracles, which, without getting into a lot of unnecessary explanation, made it easier somehow to let slide a little, to do less and therefore get less out of it. Disappointing. But I have moved on.
I did continue to do my pages every day, and they continued to help. I did an Artist Date, too, during which I explored a kick-ass thrift shop (and found several cheap treasures for me, G, and other friends), and took myself out to lunch. I also sat in sacred space for awhile and found myself spiritually refreshed. I had an awkward social interaction in the space, though, which took it out of me again. And I fretted about money during lunch. The restaurant part might have been gratuitous. Next time I'll be sure to eat before I go out - I don't want use ADs as an excuse to blow money. That's not the best approach for me at the moment. My own kitchen contains all the culinary abundance I require these days.
I also hosted a birthday party for G on Saturday night, which of course required extra cooking and cleaning. And SOCIALIZING. But I did alright. I had a lot of fun, actually, and I had no nitpicky behavioral regrets the next day. I think my stint on the couch may have have been a rest my weary emotional bones just needed last week. It seems to have helped.
The thing is, beyond and underneath everything else - beyond all the AW excercises and the playing and the facing things and becoming happier and more okay and all that, which is huge - oh dear oh me oh my - what really got to me last week was the wait to confirm the pregnancy I hope and believe may be in progress. There have been many snychronicitous, intuitive and physical indications. I want to trust, but I want to KNOW. And I do not want to set myself up for a lot of pain if it just ain't so this time around. What I really need to do is to let go. I got this message very strongly over the weekend as I emerged from the cave. Just. Let. Go. I have managed to do this somewhat since then. Of course, it's a wavering and an ongoing process. It's not easy.
A different sort of post for me, this. I feel a bit self-conscious, a bit dull. But I did want to check in, to say where I am.
I gobbled up the reading this week, but the excercises feel scary, especially that first one, the big one. Well, here goes...
posted by eliza | 7:48 AM
2 Comments:
Trusting is so hard, isn't it?
I guess if I had any advice, knowing that advice is such a messy thing, it would be to do other things that distract you from it. It's easier to let go when you have other things to think about. Kind of like wanting a job, if I stare at the phone waiting for it to ring, not only will it certifiably *not* ring, I'll also get bored and frustrated and there are so many other things I can do besides watch a phone!
Get yourself busy - which it sounds like you are! Lean into life and you will get pregnant at the right time and it may even be a better time than now.
Or (like what happened to me) you can go on a cruise and have a partner who gets bored and restless on a cruise so you end up taking lots of "naps" and you come home and find out, what a surprise, you have a souvenier!
Maybe make a list of the things you want to do *before* you have a small child usurping your time and attention. Do those things. Now is the time to nurture YOU so you get good at it and can nurture another human. My daughter is wonderful but she takes a lot out of me!
And lastly, breathe! It's all good, it just doesn't feel good all the time.
p.s. thanks for visiting me - your post made my day!
I'm just catching up and checking in. I want to send you some tenderness - your post here is very honest. For some reason I think of this to give you.
It's from Sogyal Rinpoche - "Let's try an experiment. Pick up a coin. Imagine that it represents the object which you are grasping. Hold it tightly, clutched in your fist and extend your arm, with the palm of your hand facing the ground. Now if you let go or relax your grip, you will lose what you are clinging onto. That's why you hold on.
But there's another possibility. You can let go and yet keep hold of it. With your arm still outstretched, turn your hand over so that it faces the sky. Release your hand and the coin still rests on your open palm. You let go. And the coin is still yours, even with all this space around it."
Post a Comment
<< Home