Detective Work, an excercise
1. My favorite childhood toy was a doll I named Anne (my middle name). She was supposed to be a little girl doll - she stood up on her own - but she was actually the size of a toddler. This was great, because old baby clothes I found in the basement fit her. She had a two piece bathing suit, a velvet Christmas dress, a little cardigan and some pink corduroy pants I thought of as her school outfit, tights, and lots of pajamas and other things. Dressing her up was all I cared about - I didn't really make her a person. This might have been an early expression of my love for clothes.
2. My favorite childhood game was swinging on my swingset singing and making up songs. After that it was building forts in the basement or backyard and then hanging out in them. Alone. In all my favorite childhood memories, I am either alone or inwardly enjoying something unshared though others are around.
3. The best movie I ever saw as a kid was an animated after school special about a bird whose species is becoming extinct. He flies for awhile with a flock of another type of bird to avoid being completely alone, but he's still lonely. He eventually with great joy finds a female of his species, and is very happy for awhile. But one day as they rest on a fence, a farmer mistakes them for birds that have been eating his seeds and fires at them, killing the female. My sister and I ran to our rooms and sobbed when it was over. I am crying now. I never got over it. (Interesting, really, and not surprising, how alone I felt in childhood, and how deeply this story of lonliness, alienation and senseless loss rent my heart.)
4. I don't do it much, but I enjoy riding and being around horses.
5. If I could lighten up a little, I'd let myself get more into making love.
6. If it weren't too late, I'd have more lovers.
7. My favorite musical instrument is the piano. Such a range! From bright, sweet and tiny to oceanic, dark and terrifying.
8. The amount of money I spend on treating myself (and my husband) to entertainment each month is about $150, and that's mostly on cable tv and netflix.
9. If I weren't so stingy with my artist, I'd buy her a digital recording device so I could post what I do online.
10. Taking time out for myself is necessary but scary, since I am swimming in time for myself, and I'm learning to use it productively and not harm myself actively or passively. It's not easy. But I suppose jettisoning the guilt about having the time in the first place would go a long way toward progress.
11. I am afraid that if I start dreaming I'll want a different life.
12. I secretly enjoy reading newspaper horoscopes.
13. If I had had a perfect childhood I'd have grown up to be boring and arrogant.
14. If it didn't sound so crazy, I'd write or make a record.
15. My parents think artists are interesting but impractical.
16. My god (my ego's idea of god?) thinks artists are self-indulgent. My God thinks artists are set perfectly on their paths and doing their best to find Love again the only way they know how, like all God's beloved children.
17. What makes me feel weird about this recovery is I'm not sure I deserve it or whether it is still truly available to me, since I've either misused or thrown all my gifts back in the face of the giver for so long. (Blurt conversion: God measures time in the good that is unfolded. It is never too late.)
18. Learning to trust myself is probably not the issue. Learning to act in my own best interest may be a bit trickier.
19. My most cheer-me up music is one of my own mixes, since it's individual songs that tend to get inside my heart. Here is the track list of the last mix I made, sadly over a year ago, for those of you playing along at home:
Held - Smog
New Hampshire - Sonic Youth
Penetration - The Stooges
Feeling Good - Nina Simone
You Won't Fall - Lori Carson
Five-Way Flashlight - Cordelia's Dad
Hard as a Rock -AC/DC
Love is More than a Feeling - The Darkness
The Gypsy Davy - Cordelia's Dad [This particular song actually came to mind first as my "most cheer-me up music." It consistently makes me dance like a hippie.]
Where They Walk Over St. Teresa - The Loud Family
My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down - The Ramones
Windy - The Association [This is one I used to sing on the swingset.]
La Partenza - Genoese longshormen recorded by Alan Lomax
Bluebird - Bonnie Raitt
Rock Me - Cordelia's Dad
20. My favorite way to dress is in lots of rich textures like suede and (fake, mostly) fur. I like to wear rich, earthy, neutral colors like dark brown and brick red, and I wear a lot of black. My adornments are mostly made of leather, wood, rubber, filligree - stuff that doesn't sparkle - but I also love silver. I feel naked without a pair of substantial boots on. (And a p.s. confession: high-heeled platforms put me in the freakish range height-wise, but I wear them anyway. It feels like I'm occupying a different space than eveyone else, and I can join them if I want, or I can stand up straight and retreat to my mobile aerie.)
I feel a bit hollow lately. It's resistance, I know. I haven't picked up my instruments in two days. All I want to do is eat and lie around, and though I have done my basic structural support activities like morning pages and yoga, and I've managed to attend to household upkeep tasks like laundry and grocery shopping, I know in my heart that even in doing my chores I am avoiding doing anything really brave, like singing or playing or going for a walk to listen. Resistance. All I can manage at the moment is the form. Hope I'm willing to look some content in the face sometime very soon.
In the meantime, more AW tasks coming soon. Maybe they'll shake something loose.
2. My favorite childhood game was swinging on my swingset singing and making up songs. After that it was building forts in the basement or backyard and then hanging out in them. Alone. In all my favorite childhood memories, I am either alone or inwardly enjoying something unshared though others are around.
3. The best movie I ever saw as a kid was an animated after school special about a bird whose species is becoming extinct. He flies for awhile with a flock of another type of bird to avoid being completely alone, but he's still lonely. He eventually with great joy finds a female of his species, and is very happy for awhile. But one day as they rest on a fence, a farmer mistakes them for birds that have been eating his seeds and fires at them, killing the female. My sister and I ran to our rooms and sobbed when it was over. I am crying now. I never got over it. (Interesting, really, and not surprising, how alone I felt in childhood, and how deeply this story of lonliness, alienation and senseless loss rent my heart.)
4. I don't do it much, but I enjoy riding and being around horses.
5. If I could lighten up a little, I'd let myself get more into making love.
6. If it weren't too late, I'd have more lovers.
7. My favorite musical instrument is the piano. Such a range! From bright, sweet and tiny to oceanic, dark and terrifying.
8. The amount of money I spend on treating myself (and my husband) to entertainment each month is about $150, and that's mostly on cable tv and netflix.
9. If I weren't so stingy with my artist, I'd buy her a digital recording device so I could post what I do online.
10. Taking time out for myself is necessary but scary, since I am swimming in time for myself, and I'm learning to use it productively and not harm myself actively or passively. It's not easy. But I suppose jettisoning the guilt about having the time in the first place would go a long way toward progress.
11. I am afraid that if I start dreaming I'll want a different life.
12. I secretly enjoy reading newspaper horoscopes.
13. If I had had a perfect childhood I'd have grown up to be boring and arrogant.
14. If it didn't sound so crazy, I'd write or make a record.
15. My parents think artists are interesting but impractical.
16. My god (my ego's idea of god?) thinks artists are self-indulgent. My God thinks artists are set perfectly on their paths and doing their best to find Love again the only way they know how, like all God's beloved children.
17. What makes me feel weird about this recovery is I'm not sure I deserve it or whether it is still truly available to me, since I've either misused or thrown all my gifts back in the face of the giver for so long. (Blurt conversion: God measures time in the good that is unfolded. It is never too late.)
18. Learning to trust myself is probably not the issue. Learning to act in my own best interest may be a bit trickier.
19. My most cheer-me up music is one of my own mixes, since it's individual songs that tend to get inside my heart. Here is the track list of the last mix I made, sadly over a year ago, for those of you playing along at home:
Held - Smog
New Hampshire - Sonic Youth
Penetration - The Stooges
Feeling Good - Nina Simone
You Won't Fall - Lori Carson
Five-Way Flashlight - Cordelia's Dad
Hard as a Rock -AC/DC
Love is More than a Feeling - The Darkness
The Gypsy Davy - Cordelia's Dad [This particular song actually came to mind first as my "most cheer-me up music." It consistently makes me dance like a hippie.]
Where They Walk Over St. Teresa - The Loud Family
My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down - The Ramones
Windy - The Association [This is one I used to sing on the swingset.]
La Partenza - Genoese longshormen recorded by Alan Lomax
Bluebird - Bonnie Raitt
Rock Me - Cordelia's Dad
20. My favorite way to dress is in lots of rich textures like suede and (fake, mostly) fur. I like to wear rich, earthy, neutral colors like dark brown and brick red, and I wear a lot of black. My adornments are mostly made of leather, wood, rubber, filligree - stuff that doesn't sparkle - but I also love silver. I feel naked without a pair of substantial boots on. (And a p.s. confession: high-heeled platforms put me in the freakish range height-wise, but I wear them anyway. It feels like I'm occupying a different space than eveyone else, and I can join them if I want, or I can stand up straight and retreat to my mobile aerie.)
I feel a bit hollow lately. It's resistance, I know. I haven't picked up my instruments in two days. All I want to do is eat and lie around, and though I have done my basic structural support activities like morning pages and yoga, and I've managed to attend to household upkeep tasks like laundry and grocery shopping, I know in my heart that even in doing my chores I am avoiding doing anything really brave, like singing or playing or going for a walk to listen. Resistance. All I can manage at the moment is the form. Hope I'm willing to look some content in the face sometime very soon.
In the meantime, more AW tasks coming soon. Maybe they'll shake something loose.
posted by eliza | 6:38 AM
2 Comments:
As I see it, you are immersed in content. The list of 20 things is evidence. Following the form seems natural during this personal excavation. It seems to me you are doing plenty. Other content will come when it's time, but right now you're doing an archeological dig of great importance.
http://www.kathrynpetro.com/mindfullife
Splendid, darling. Love learning more about you in this way. If only everyone allowed her/himself (grammar nazi!) such candid self-reflection.
You are stirring up all kinds of shit for me here. It's a good thing. Thanks!
Post a Comment
<< Home